My Journey Into Worship

Before I was in Zoegirl, I helped lead worship at a church in New York, and then I joined the worship team at the DreamCenter after I moved home to LA. Although I always wrote singer/songwriter introspective type songs, my heart has always been in worship. Being a part of the music business exposed me to another side of the worship music industry, and for a while I wanted nothing to do with it. I wasn't "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", but I was bothered by how it had become a profitable venture. It seemed as though worship leaders were commissioned with making music that is the purest form of expression and affection toward the Father, while being forced into a corporate structure. I suppose this is the age old, art vs. commerce argument, but it weighs even heavier with me when the subject is worship. How do you keep the worship pure while having to answer to business people and a marketing team? I certainly don't know the answer to that, but I think it's a question worth asking. What is more important....kingdom impact or units sold? Can you have both? This caused me to begin to ponder everything about our modern idea of worship, and I believe this was a very important part of my journey.

I learned that the word worship, when translated from the Greek, means "to kiss towards", and this really impacted me. I began to ponder every aspect of what it means to worship God in song. I would compare it to a relationship between a husband and wife. How weird would it be to say, "Ok, honey, every Sunday morning at precisely 10am, we are going to kiss for twenty minutes"? Or how weird would it be to read the same poem to your wife every day? These are the kinds of questions I would ask myself in regard to worship. How do you marry the fact that church starts at a certain time, and of course has to have some structure, with the idea of worship being this creative, spontaneous expression of the heart? I found it difficult to do. It hit me as false, and I didn't want to give God anything false. That would be not only deceitful, but insulting. It became increasingly more difficult for me to participate in corporate worship, and for a while, I couldn't participate at all. Since then, much has happened in my heart, and worship time at church on Sunday is something I look forward to all week. But at that time, it was important for me to step back and ask questions.

I started to lead some worship when churches would ask me to, but it would always fall flat, and I just assumed I wasn't called to be a worship leader. In the meantime, I would sit down at my piano at home almost every day, and just worship the Lord in such a pure way that was so genuine to me. I just figured that was my time with Him, and out of those times have come many worship and "life" songs. When I would sit down at the piano, everything seemed to line up, and that is when I felt the most connected to God. Around this time, I read Don Miller's book, "Searching For God Knows What". Miller effectively makes the point that Jesus never followed a certain pattern, and God works the most powerfully when not contained within a formula or equation. It was as if he was saying things I had always thought but never said out loud.

To this day, I sit and worship the Lord at the piano regularly. I was out doing a show when I was pregnant with Dyllan, and I was exhausted. I felt like my concerts were good, but they lacked something. I didn't know what to do, and I was backstage one night, and there was a piano in my dressing room. I looked at the piano and I heard the Lord say, "I want you to do what you do at home." I didn't hear him audibly, but it was one of those whispers in the back of your head kind of things. I have only heard the Lord speak to me like this one other time in my life. I realized that at home, I don't make a set list, I flow from one song to another without knowing where it will end up, and it is always fresh and always true. That night, I only planned the first 4 or 5 songs, and I flowed on the piano for the rest of the concert. The response was strong, but more importantly, it just felt right. Now when I go out and play, I lead worship as much as I can. I'm not the most amazing musician in the world, and I have friends who can sing circles around me, but this I know is true...when I sing, I have one objective. My objective is to make a spiritual world tangible. It's to touch the heart of God, and demonstrate that passion to anyone who will listen.